Looking for Salamanders – Hiking Arshamomaque

We’re still looking for salamanders. Over a year ago I promised M-ito we’d find some. The last time I remembered seeing them in the wild I was on my 6th grade school trip. Yeah, that was a long, long time ago. I remember finding them along a creek but iI’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to find them and where they live. I need to watch more Zaboomafoo to see where the Kratt brothers say to look for them.

I thought at Arshamomaque we’d find at least one.

Keeping young children engaged on a hike is no easy task. I wish I knew more about the creatures and fauna of the world around us. Then I could point out all these cool things that would keep M-ito and his friends searching for the next wonder. Instead I point out spider webs with rain on them, dear droppings, algae on the surface of water. It doesn’t seem like much but my son is pretty forgiving and he seems to find magic in these small things – something I’m grateful for.

So how far and how long can a 6, 7, and 8 year old hike? It’s a big consideration before planning one of this kinds of things. I thought 1.3 miles would be too short – but 3 miles too long. I was just guessing. I’ve always had this stat in my head – a man could walk 3 miles per hour. So would 1.3 miles be only half an hour? That’s a man walking and not looking. What about a child walking and looking? I guess a lot depends on the elevation covered and how many interesting things you find along the way.

This weekend we were with friends staying on the North Fork in Greenport and hiked Arshamomaque Preserve where vernal ponds cover the grounds. It has trails that are reported as 1.3 miles in length with some loops and single paths off this which add another .2 or .3 miles to the overall length. I hoped this would be good enough.

We were supposed to kayak day one and hike on day two. Kayaking went the way of the wind as thunderstorms and rain kept us off the water. M-ito played with his friends and we stayed inside half of one day – visited the Riverhead Aquarium (though the explorer boat trip was also unavailable because of the weather – we were batting a thousand with boat trips) the second half of the day. M-ito said he had a “Great” with a capital “G” time showing his friends the Aquarium – one of his favorite places. He got his pants soaked walking in the water touching the spider crabs.

The next day We walked Arshamomaque Preserve slowly and it took an hour and a half. The highlight was the bind at the end of a trail that leads into the center of two hugh ponds with fall foliage already burning bright red in places. The water was covered in green algae and it was quiet except for the sound of birds, the water still except for the occasional motion of a water bug. At the end of the green trail is an observation platform that rises up above the foliage about twenty feet, like a fort of sorts, with spectacular views of the preserve. The kids loved it. It was M-ito’s favorite part.

They were all tired when we finished the trail and even if one child didn’t say he was tired all three were hungry – a sign of energy being burned if there ever was one. I love to see my son’s face light up when we are outside and conscious of the earth around us. It reminds me how beautiful this world is and how much I need to be reminded of it. An hour and a half – 1.3 miles seems about right. I’ll have to remember that for the next trip.

We didn’t find a salamander at the preserve, though I looked for them under fallen branches and at the edge of the ponds. I’m not worried, though. We will, one of these days.

Lost and Found

We were at the Medieval Fair, Poppi in his archers outfit, having successfully assaulted the castle wall at Sands Point, was resting next to us, leaning on his bow, the back of his next sunburned from his day at the archery booth. A woman across the green started to scream. She ran ten yards or so then turned around and ran back. She screamed again and I realized what she was screaming – the name of her child. She ran back again two more times, screaming in a way that sent shivers through me and Mom-ita.

She lost her son, rippled through the crowd and we all started looking at knee level for a child who seemed not to fit – who seemed to be lost. I could feel her panic. I’ve been there a few times myself and I never get used to it. M-ito is right next to me and then, when I go to get my change from the cashier I look down and he’s gone. I can feel the panic in my gut. Where is he? Where did he go? Then I start shouting his name with that same gutteral sound that the woman was using again and again.

She brought her hands to her head and screamed. A knight in a golf cart came by to help her look and cover more ground. They rolled down to the castle wall and back up – her screams punctuating the air with panic and fear and terror, her hands pounding the dashboard when they weren’t at her head.

A few moments later they found her boy. I saw them hugging and crying together. I pulled M-ito a little closer to me, his presence reassuring – perhaps to us both.

Do Unto Otters

Do unto Otters: A book About Manners, by Laurie Keller has been our guide this month in behavior change. It’s a variation on the golden rule “Do unto Otters as you would have Otters do unto you.” So says owl when Rabbit asks him about his new neighbors, the Otters, and his concerns about how they will get along.

The first week of school is always stressful but this year has been even more so. And M-ito’s behavior at home has not been up to par. M-ito has told us that he always follows rules of good manners in school, but not when we’re home. This made us pause and think. Why would this be? We’ve always said he has to have good manners with everybody. Bad manners in this case seemed to go along with starting school – the same thing happened last year. We think it’s because he tries so hard to “be good” in school that when he comes home he lets loose. This means grumpy, sullen, dismissive, quiet, yelling. Perhaps this is all school age kids when they are finished with school.

Now we know all kids are tired after school – it’s a long day – but yelling, tantrums, attitude, and non-responsiveness in tidal wave proportions is a bit much. So we had another sit-down with M-ito after a huge fight about not wanting to take a shower – ever. We’re down to two days a week at this point but that’s as low as we’ll go. Stinky-boy can not rule all the time. So these are the rules and regulations we came up with, together, after a morning of fighting, a day of Mom-ita and me feeling terrible because of the fight we had, and en evening of calm:

• listen to each other (no hands covering ears, no turning away when someones talking to him)
• no flicking fingers or dismissive waves of the hand
• say please, excuse me, and thank you (loud enough so the other person hears it, and it only counts if it sounds like it’s meant!)
• take a shower without complaints or delays when asked to (consequence of not doing so is taking a bath!)
• put dishes away after each meal
• help set the table for meals
• put toys away after playing with them
• no hitting (already in place but good to have on the list as a reminder!)

We’ve had three days of peace since posting the list. M-ito seems to have found his bearings and our stomachs are all feeling more settled, school-wise and home-wise.

One Flashing Red Tooth

M-ito sticks his tongue into the space where his front tooth used to be. It alternates from pink to darkness and he smiles. “Dad-dito, I have one flashing red tooth.”

Recess Stress – 1st Grade

Two kids left the playground needing ice-packs. One had a nose bleed. Another child was bonked on the head – all within a week at the playground at school. M-ito’s reasons for not wanting to go to school have gotten more complicated. Mom-ita talked to the other mothers and found out at least four others didn’t want to go to school either. They all had stomach aches. It seems the 2nd graders were playing a bit too rough and the 1st graders were lost in the chaos. I believe the game that put my son and his friends off was called Jail. Why are children allowed to play so rough at school? Why aren’t teachers doing something about this? Does is seem normal to have these kinds of injuries? Or to have children not want to go to school because they are afraid of getting hurt?

Mom-ita took charge of things while I was traveling in Pennsylvania and Reno. She organized the other mothers and talked to the teacher about the stress and the fear of recess. Several talks later, meetings with the lower school head and the headmaster of the school and the teachers seem to have taken care of this. The 1st grade has recess now with the kindergarten and the 2nd grade has been spoken to. M-ito and his friends no longer have stomach aches.

The power of a coordinated group of parents (read mothers) is a wonderful thing to behold. All these little fires to attend to this year and we’re only three weeks in so far. Mom-ita says it’s good, though, because M-ito’s teacher is very responsive and I’m glad. The homework seems to have gotten toned down too.

Whew.

First Grade Stress

My son has too much homework, a test every week on spelling words, and a stomach ache from the stress. I know it’s only his first week in school, but this is a private school and first graders should still be playing most of the time. They’re only six years old, and some are still only 5. 

Even if his teacher didn’t say the word test, and she didn’t (a parent did) the students heard the word test and now everyone knows they have a test every week. Why can’t it just be an in-class worksheet? At six the most stressful decision a child should have to make during his/her day is what to have for lunch or which game to play. And M-ito is so good – in the I-have-to-do-everything-my-teacher-says meaning of the word good – that he will not give up until all the homework is completed. Why does he have homework everyday the first week of school? Why does he say school is not fun anymore when he loved kindergarten? I’m crushed and annoyed and angry because there are so many ways to learn imaginatively in first grade. Kids imaginations are on overdrive at this age and this creativity should be kindled. Osho, in his book on Creativity says we extinguish creativity in our children at an early age in school. I wonder if he is right. I’m overreacting to some degree, I know, I know, but I’m not to another. I have no doubt that M-ito will learn to read and write and spell and do math in time. I’m not worried about that. He’s a bright child. I have no doubt he will want to get good grades in high school when ranking and grade point average have meaning to colleges. But right now, in first grade, where he doesn’t get letter or number grades and where gpa stands for great paper airplanes and is a mere shadow of what’s to come in the far far future, I want him to enjoy learning because it’s fun with a capital F. 

Nay-sayers say “but he has to learn about the real world someday.” And I say sure, but not today at 6 years old. He can wait ’till fourth grade at least. There was a great article in Mothering Magazine last month about the ineffectiveness of homework – how it doesn’t help kids learn and mostly just turns them off on school and creates tremendous amounts of stress for kids and their parents. 

Today my son said he’s stressed about his weekly test on spelling. He’s only had one so far and he’s already feeling it. I’m banging my head against the wall here. Why do so many parents believe in the myth of more work equals more learning? Have they seen the DOE’s graduation rate lately in NYC? It’s not even 50% from high school. Have they looked a the test scores? Have they gone up due to the No Child Left Behind act and it’s fallout of standardized testing at earlier and earlier ages? The clear answer is no. School should be fun. Learning should be fun. Children should enjoy learning and develop a lifelong relationship with education – a positive relationship with education – not one based on stress and fear. 

My son is stressed and he was crying this morning because he didn’t want to go to school today. He said his stomach hurt – not enough to go to the doctors but enough to stay out of school. Then, after many tears Mom-ita got him talking and we found out his story of stress and woe. Mom-ita talked to his teacher (I am traveling today and have to get things second hand through her after M-ito is asleep) and we were left hopeful but apprehensive. Our son only gets to go through first grade once. I’m proud of him for telling us how he felt and I’m proud he brought it up to his teacher in school on his own (Mom-ita was told this by his teacher). But I’d still rather there was no homework and no testing at all. At least not this year, or next. Heck the Waldorf Schools don’t give homework until fourth grade. Unfortunately they’re not in our neighborhood or nearby for that matter and there are some problems with the cult-like nature of their curricula… I guess nothings perfect.

Games for 6-year olds

Here’s M-ito’s list of most played with toys over the last month. The key word here is LEGO, LEGO, LEGO. When I was growing up we had model airplanes, ships and tanks. Children today have LEGOs. And they are better. Let’s face it, there’s no glue (and subsequently no glue sniffing), no razor to trim the flash and therefore no stitches from cuts, no parts that don’t exactly fit together, no waiting for the glue to dry before putting the next piece on, no painting the pieces when you’re done. What you get with LEGOs is an incredibly complex model with a ton of pieces, that works like a giant puzzle with directions that are fully visual (no reading required) and that can be played with when you’re done. The pieces snap together perfectly and they look very, very cool in their realistic colors and stick-on decals. My job is to help find the pieces for M-ito that he can’t find for himself. He puts all the pieces together and won’t allow me to help with that at all. Sometimes he’ll ask me to see what’s wrong if he thinks he’s made a mistake but that’s it. He’s even figured out that if you open only one bag at a time – and the bag that is numbered to go with the pieces he’s working on – it’s easier to find the right pieces. We did all the Aqua Raiders sets by opening all the bags at once and mixing them together. Not easy for Daddito to find the smaller pieces with his failing eyesight. Still these are great things to do with your kids. I heard a father tell another parent this when he was asked about the bionicle he was buying. “We do them together,” he said. How cool is that? M-ito can work on the more complex sets for hours. His favorites to date include:

• Aqua Raiders
• Star Wars
• Indiana Jones
• Bionicles
• All of the Creator 3 in 1 models (you take the model apart and create two others with the same pieces)
• Mars Mission
• Castle

What’s the downside? Many of the sets are war-like and have guns, swords, knives, etc… So when we play nobody ever gets killed – they get knocked out and always come back to fight again. It’s a small victory over violence at playtime but it’s all I’ve got.

M-ito’s other top six favorite games are (in no particular order):

• There’s a Moose in the House (excellent card game from my favorite game company Gamewright Games)
• Duck Duck Bruce (another excellent card game from Gamewright)
• Dino-opoly (the old favorite for the dinosaur set)
• Zooreka (a great game about building your own zoo from Cranium Games)
• Slamwich (another game from Gamewright about making a sandwich!)
• Stack (a stacking dice game that’s very colorful and easy to carry from Talicor Inc.)

We’ve also added baseball mitts (I got one too) – though a knock on the head with a spongy version of a baseball has caused a small set-back, a volleyball, a handball, and a fishing pole (two attempts to fish and no luck so far but lots of fun). What’s sad is that some of the old favorites like a ton of Little People sets and figures have left to go on to other children. Sad and beautiful, both at the same time – of course.

September 11

I was in Tower 2 and still I didn’t remember what day it was today.

I didn’t remember until I got off the subway on 23rd street and saw a friend who started talking about the 9/11 – today, this day. I asked her if she’d been down there on the 11th and she said she’d been down on Fulton. I told her I’d been in Tower 2. Her eyes opened wide and she said, “Wow.”

I started off the day well, with my yoga and meditation, then Mom-ita and M-ito came into the living room – both early, about ten minutes before I was finished. That was all the peace we’d have this morning. Mom-ita walked M-ito into the bathroom to pee – he’s been having moments of being afraid lately, perhaps coinciding with going back to school – entering first grade? Perhaps just afraid of the biting beetles of childhood.

The fighting started with the shower. M-ito resisted and I gave up waiting after ten minutes of standing in the shower and asking him to get in the tub.  There were tears and  harsh words, but I kept my cool, didn’t raise my voice at all. M-it’s voice rang loud and clear. I let it come and go in a wave. M-ito said I’d made fun of him and yelled at him. I had not yelled, but I’d joked about keeping all the hot water to myself to try and nudge him into getting into the tub. It didn’t work and I reminded myself never to try that again. My son doesn’t need excuses to stay out of the shower.

Then he wouldn’t put the nail clipper down when he was supposed to be eating at the breakfast table. By the third time I’d asked him and he’d nodded but not put it down, I’d had it. Then he put the nail clipper down and shot it past me with a flick of his finger. That put me over the edge. I slammed my hand onto the table and said, “That’s enough!” And so we had a second set of tears to cover the morning.

The third set occurred only minutes later. M-ito and I had been eating breakfast silently, him with his back to me, me with my heart breaking. Mom-ita came in to help him put on his socks. She smiled at him and he pushed the socks away onto the floor. We both yelled and tears flowed.

When we got to school, I had to stay in the car while Mom-ita walked M-ito in – we’d parked by a hydrant. I told M-ito I loved him and he barely turned to look at me. I can still feel the hollowness inside my chest from his expression. I know he’ll be over it by this afternoon, the whole morning having passed over like a rain shower, leaving the grass fresh and filled with dew and the sun shining. Then his smile will turn my world bright. But now I hold on to it, too adult and filled with wonderings over what I should have done different to let it all go.

I walked to the subway and down underground. Up at 23rd street, my friend saw me and asked me about 9/11. “Nope,” I said. “I hadn’t thought about it at all.”

“I was on Fulton Street,” she said.

“I was in Tower 2,” I said and watched her face change in reply.

“Wow,” she said.

Nope, I wasn’t thinking of 9/11 at all.